No More Panty Hose

photo courtesy of "Just My Size"

Mrs. T. and I drive to yoga together every Tuesday after work. Well, she drives, and I thumb a ride. We're nearing our one year anniversary of yogic carpooling and would you believe that she doesn't even make me help pay for gas? Shoot, she even lets me have a piece of gum too (she keeps a pack in her car at all times). Now that's a good friend if you ask me.

They're doing some repairs on Peachtree Street near our office, so lately we've found ourselves stuck in traffic as soon as we leave the building. It's no problem though; we put this time to good use by chatting about pretty much anything. So this past Tuesday, we blabbed about the good old days that weren't so good - the days of panty hose. I can't recall the last time that I put those God-awful things on my gams but sure enough, I still have some in my drawer, way at the back, that I'm holding onto for a reason only known to my subconscious mind. Do drag queens even wear hosiery anymore? I doubt it.

We both recalled some specific things about "nylons" as we called them. My memories included always having to buy the "Queen" size with the "control top". Afterall, I wouldn't want my beer belly hanging out. And I generally went for the "reinforced toe" rather than the "sandalfoot" - less chance of getting a run. But oh what a drama if you did get a run in your stockings. You either had to try to do a major spackling job with clear nail polish or pray that you had stashed a spare pair in your desk drawer at work. Mrs. T. even knew of women who did the "double up". I had never heard of this but the idea is if you get a run in one leg of the panty hose, you cut that leg off. Then when another pair gets a run in just one leg, you cut that off too. You then can wear one leg from each pair. Why didn't I think of that?

I also had trouble with the panty hose color choices. Back when I actually wore them, I was a pretty tan chick. The "nude" color was way too white for me and the "suntan" color was really not so close either. I can't even imagine what my black co-workers did back then - I'm sure they weren't pleased with the suggestion that the "nude" color was something their naked skin even came close to resembling.

Nylons could also be tricky when you were in a hurry. Take for example the poor former co-worker of mine who high-tailed it from her front row seat at a wedding ceremony to make a quick trip to the restroom. Upon her return, she walked almost the entire length of the church sanctuary with her dress tucked into the back of her panty hose before someone flagged her down.

Almost worse than the panty hose themselves were the clothes and shoes that went along with them. Shoulder pads and high heels - need I say more? Oh wait, remember the "L'eggs" brand that some marketing genius decided to package in an egg-shaped container? Now, that's enough said.... well, besides "viva la business casual".