Normally I don't even bother opening mail that comes addressed to "current resident". Do you? We're in the habit of quickly recycling all junk that graces our black mailbox. Especially this time of year when it's duplicate catalogs from stores I've never heard of, sale coupons for shops I have no intention of shopping in, and requests for donations of money we don't have. Besides, whenever I make one donation, I receive six more solicitations from that same group. I gave to the Democratic National Committee before the November elections when someone came knocking on our front door. I only answered it as I thought it was one of our neighbors - since no one else knocks on our door except Saturday mornning Jehovah's Witnesses. But then, after the elections, the DNC asked for more money both in person and via the USPS. I love the DNC and hope they keep doing their thing, but we're tapped out. I'm sure Doc. B., the "keeper of the budget", would have argued that we were tapped out prior to my original donation. But it was the sweetest, cutest guys that came knocking to ask for cash. Good plan by the Dems considering there are those who have questioned my assessment of what defines "cute and sweet" when it comes to men (yes, I'm talking to you Mrs. T.). Okay, so I have bad taste in men...but I'm sure the DNC could care less; they got my money.
Why I opened an envelope yesterday that was addressed to "current resident", I have no idea. Contained within was the attached flyer stating that "TitleMax" had been told that I, specifically, had been extra nice according to Santa's list. Or was it Doc. B. that was the nice one? I can't be certain since I am but one of the two current (human) residents at this address. Anyhow, this TitleMax place was willing to give me up to $5000 in holiday cash! All I had to do was bring in my car title and meet the criteria within the small print. What a deal!
Having been below the bible belt for over a decade now, I've learned that there is a friendly competition between the states of Georgia and Alabama. I'm not sure how it started, perhaps since they are both typically fighting to stay out of the bottom of the 50 states when it comes to literacy and graduation rates? Again, I can't be certain. Some of the jokes that have come out of this rivalry do make me chuckle though. I just heard this one over Thanksgiving: "Why do the Alabama Police have such a difficult time solving crimes? Because all the DNA is the same and there are no dental records". Another time I was playing BINGO at a fundraiser for Pets are Loving Support and Bubba D. Licious was calling out the numbers. When she called out "I-20", the whole audience replied in unison "the best thing to come out of Alabama" (for those readers outside of Atlanta, I-20 is the highway that cuts across Alabama and comes into Georgia). So with all of these Alabama jokes running through my head, I found the "small print" on this flyer amusing. I don't know if you can read it - try clicking on the image to enlarge it (?), but it says "Must be 18 years or older (except Alabama residents must be 19 years of age)". Does this mean that TitleMax won't trust anyone living in Alabama until they turn 19? Do they think that Alabama residents are not able to manage $5000 until they pass age 18? See, I always thought that the real joke about Alabama was that you could basically do anything when you turned 14: drink, drive, give birth, or marry your second cousin - not necessarily in that order, but may also occur all at once. See how easy it is to get sucked into banter between the states?
Hey, if any of you readers need up to $5000 for holiday cash, the offer expires on 12/23/06 and I'll split the $50.00 referral fee with you...
3 comments:
regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas and West Virginia on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; However, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. And Finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus
Member of North American Fairies and Elves, Union 209
Hi, Enjoyed your blog and thought you might like this. It kind of goes along with your comments. Merry Christmas to you both.
Laree's Mom Betty
Oops, Sorry guess I should have emailed that to you.
This was the perfect space for it - appropriate to the topic Mrs. M!!!!
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