What I Need

I'm 45 now...I don't need anyone telling me what I need. Yet at every turn, I'm being bombarded with just that. But you know what, my parents don't even tell me what I need anymore. They just support me in what I choose to need - and in the end, isn't that all we care about, what our parents think? Well, let's be truthful here, what our moms think?

I've been saving the below Wachovia letter for the perfect blog entry but I was just too pissed to write anything related to it. I had to wait for the anger to pass before I could attach any logical words. Whether or not the following is logical will have to be decided by my dear readers (or my dear reader, my mom, and that's okay since all that matters is what she thinks).

So I've gone ahead and let the straws build up on the camel's back. And now my ramblings are being book-ended by Wachovia and the Jehovah Witnesses... or is it Witnessea? (I never did get my Latin right, but I sure loved my Latin teacher). Either way, you can always count on either of these two organizations to drive you to blog...or consider forging narcotic pain medication prescriptions. Thankfully the former came first.

Wachovia had the nerve to tell me that they know what I need “in times like these.” And by “in times like these” did they mean “when another department within our company decides to reduce your home equity line to zilch”? Because that’s exactly what they had just done not two days prior.

Yup, that’s right. Just as we were about to sign on the dotted line to have a screened porch added to the back of our house, Wachovia decided that our casa was worth nada. And while our house was worth nothing and therefore had no equity, they could still offer us a credit card with a “generous credit line,” no annual fee and 0% APR. No thanks. We’ll just save up our own cash and reduce our need to use Wachovia as much as possible.

So when the below pamphlet fell out of the front door jam today, the need thing just blew up again. You see, the Jehovah Witnesses know how families can really be happy and they think you need to know.

Apparently, if you are a white heterosexual (assumedly) male, all you need in order to enjoy family life is a boy in queen-looking white overalls (preferably made by Oshkosh B’Gosh), a girl in a toile jumper, two white dogs, a cockatiel, a blue button-up shirt and a wife who likes to wear hoop earrings and sundresses while sitting at your feet and looking directly at your belt.

By the way, there is also a key to happiness needs assessment for black males and Asian males included in this publication. However, I thought that would be not only overkill but excessive advertising material for the JW’s if I were to post it here. However, feel free to drop by and review this publication yourself. It will be in a stack on the coffee table in the love pit, right between copies of the Yoga Sutras and Vegetarian Times right next to my edition of The Torah and my friend’s girlfriend’s recent book entitled Sin, Sex and Democracy.

Okay, so I don’t own a copy of The Torah...but I’ve always wanted to so just go with me on this one and pretend. Afterall, we all need to pretend now and again don't we?