What I Need

I'm 45 now...I don't need anyone telling me what I need. Yet at every turn, I'm being bombarded with just that. But you know what, my parents don't even tell me what I need anymore. They just support me in what I choose to need - and in the end, isn't that all we care about, what our parents think? Well, let's be truthful here, what our moms think?

I've been saving the below Wachovia letter for the perfect blog entry but I was just too pissed to write anything related to it. I had to wait for the anger to pass before I could attach any logical words. Whether or not the following is logical will have to be decided by my dear readers (or my dear reader, my mom, and that's okay since all that matters is what she thinks).

So I've gone ahead and let the straws build up on the camel's back. And now my ramblings are being book-ended by Wachovia and the Jehovah Witnesses... or is it Witnessea? (I never did get my Latin right, but I sure loved my Latin teacher). Either way, you can always count on either of these two organizations to drive you to blog...or consider forging narcotic pain medication prescriptions. Thankfully the former came first.

Wachovia had the nerve to tell me that they know what I need “in times like these.” And by “in times like these” did they mean “when another department within our company decides to reduce your home equity line to zilch”? Because that’s exactly what they had just done not two days prior.

Yup, that’s right. Just as we were about to sign on the dotted line to have a screened porch added to the back of our house, Wachovia decided that our casa was worth nada. And while our house was worth nothing and therefore had no equity, they could still offer us a credit card with a “generous credit line,” no annual fee and 0% APR. No thanks. We’ll just save up our own cash and reduce our need to use Wachovia as much as possible.

So when the below pamphlet fell out of the front door jam today, the need thing just blew up again. You see, the Jehovah Witnesses know how families can really be happy and they think you need to know.

Apparently, if you are a white heterosexual (assumedly) male, all you need in order to enjoy family life is a boy in queen-looking white overalls (preferably made by Oshkosh B’Gosh), a girl in a toile jumper, two white dogs, a cockatiel, a blue button-up shirt and a wife who likes to wear hoop earrings and sundresses while sitting at your feet and looking directly at your belt.

By the way, there is also a key to happiness needs assessment for black males and Asian males included in this publication. However, I thought that would be not only overkill but excessive advertising material for the JW’s if I were to post it here. However, feel free to drop by and review this publication yourself. It will be in a stack on the coffee table in the love pit, right between copies of the Yoga Sutras and Vegetarian Times right next to my edition of The Torah and my friend’s girlfriend’s recent book entitled Sin, Sex and Democracy.

Okay, so I don’t own a copy of The Torah...but I’ve always wanted to so just go with me on this one and pretend. Afterall, we all need to pretend now and again don't we?

Retox

Of all the things I missed during my detox, it was the salt shaker I craved the most. Not the alcohol. Not the coffee. Not the pizza. Not the diet coke. Not the popcorn. The dang salt shaker is apparently what rules my life. But you know what? If you cut out the pinches of salt for 10 days, you actually start to taste other flavors...and enjoy them.

And along that same pimento dotted line...I've been asking for green, salty balls, I mean olives, from Santa Claus since at least 2nd grade (and getting them in my stocking). But I didn't have a single juicy, mouthwatering, sumptuous olive for over two whole weeks. That's a damn long time without fulfilling my olive addiction. And then I promptly put them in an Aviation gin martini. Wait, maybe the gin is the addiction? Oh and did you know that you can spell "I love" with the word "Olive?"

Seriously though. It really wasn't as bad or as difficult as I thought it would be. Unlike other fasts or detoxes I've tried, I was actually permitted to eat food this time. Sure, it was a little bland at first, but I got used to using my new favorite condiment: Bragg's Liquid Aminos (like soy sauce but better for you).

I also had more energy than I expected and was able to do some form of exercise on 9 of the 10 days. The only day I skipped was a Saturday when I worked from 6am until 1pm and then had a hair appointment from 2pm until 5pm (yes, it takes 3 hours to cover up my gray hair). I for sure didn't want to sweat after spending three hours in the salon with Pam from Novi - my favorite hairdresser for the past ten years.

So when it was all said and done, I'd lost 13 pounds in 10 days. The science and math-type people in my life of course had to remind me that it was caloric-ly impossible for me to have actually lost that many pounds but what do they know? Just because they have Ph.D.'s and J.D.'s and such. Okay, so as of this morning, I had gained "a couple" of those pounds back. But heck, if I can keep even 5 of those pounds off, it would be something I hadn't been able to accomplish over the past year.

The other plus of the detox? I set foot into Kashi Atlanta for the first time ever and my feet didn't burn. And I got to see what all the fuss was about regarding Swami Jaya Devi. I was determined never to "go there" because it just "had to be a cult." But I said to myself "what the heck? I can resist the temptation to drink the Kool-Aid."

So what does Swami do the very first yoga class I attend? Yes, the one that is mat to mat packed with at least 45 people (the age I will attain tomorrow - in case you were wondering, in the social security world, one attains his/her age on the day before his/her birthday). So what does she do? She smiles at me. She talks directly to me. She says things like "take CARE of yourself...put down anything that is too heavy to CARRIE." And I'm hooked. I suddenly realize why it was such a big deal when Doc. B. was walking to a different yoga studio (Jai Shanti) and along the way passed Swami Jaya Devi who said "ah...I see you're going to yoga." And Doc. B was all a twitter wondering how the heck Swami knew the intended destination!? Okay, so then Doc. B remembered that the yoga mat bag over the shoulder may have been a dead giveaway. Oh well, it makes for a great story anyway.

The only disconcerting part of the 10 days was the discussion of bowel movements that seemed to follow me around like an annoying piece of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of my flip flop. Why did everyone think I was the guru of gastrointestinology? Why was everyone compelled to tell me about the number of times they went number two or didn't go number two? I guess I have that non-judgmental look about me...if they only knew.

So here I am in our kitchen, at the culmination of the 10 days, pointing out to Doc. B (not Doc. BM) that I need something that is not beans, rice, cream of buckwheat, ghee, Castor oil or Kitchari. I wonder if I'll do this again? Anyone with me next time?

Happy first day of fall to one and all!

A Bit of a Headache

It's almost bedtime and the only negative sensation so far is a bit of a headache. Kali and I hit the Morningside Market this morning and on the trip there I told her I didn't think I'd miss having coffee. Well, I didn't miss it but apparently my body did. Other than that, so far...so good...

The picture above shows what came in the environmentally friendly bag of treats I received last night at Kashi Atlanta. And there was a very helpful packet of information that we all went over. I took the Dosha test and confirmed for the 18th time that I am, with extreme certainty, a Kapha body type. By the way, there's only one test I've taken more times than this Dosha test (the Myers-Briggs type indicator) and it always proves that I am an ISTJ.

After the Morningside Market, we went to a yoga class that was mat to mat crammed with at least 40 people. Then I went and got a pedicure before I hit Sevananda for the rest of the food I'll need for the 10 days. Kali volunteered to make the ghee (clarified butter) and I was lucky enough to get to see her boys when I went to her house to pick it up (her oldest now has a mustache and her youngest has mono - how cute!)



This picture includes some of the things I picked up at Sevananda. Quinoa, split yellow peas and creme of buckwheat.



Guess I can't make the recipe on the back of the creme of buckwheat box. Oh well...